My reliance on my mom is borderline ridiculous. If I am confused about a recipe I am cooking, I call my mom for clarification. If I get a stain on a garment, I call my mom to find out how to remove it. I call my mom when I am sick, when I do badly on a test and when I am frustrated about something. She helps me pick out my clothes for a big event, helps me make major life decisions and serves as a boost of confidence whenever I am scared or worried.
My mom was one of those hands-on moms. She was always home when I was a kid, volunteered at my school and in my Girl Scout troop and always knew the big events that were coming up in my life. She is super mom, for real.
We don't always get along, of course (I took my turn at being an angst teenager thinking my mom was trying to ruin my life), but now that I am older (and do no live with her for majority of the year) things have gotten pretty great. In reflection, I had a great childhood (just to clarify … my dad was part of that too. Yep, I have a great set of parents).
Many would assume that I would want to continue the positive vibes and have a daughter myself. If my childhood was so nurturing and sportive, why wouldn't I want to give the same thing to my children? I will tell you why.
My mom set the bar high. The idea of some little kid being as reliant on me as I am on my mom is enough to send me into a full-fledged panic. Pair that with some other important facts and I think my plans will become obvious.
I do not know how to interact with children. For example, when a little girl gives me a Barbie and tells me to talk to her, I seriously do not know what to do. I have trouble communicating with them (sarcasm does not go over well). I do not get a warm and fuzzy feeling when I see them and babies scare the bejesus out of me. It does not come as a shock when I say I don't want to be a mother.
In fall 2011, I took Introduction to Women's and Gender Studies with Dr. Pamela Tracy, associate professor of communication studies. I had heard of this thing called feminism, and although I am ashamed to admit it now I had what I think is a pretty typical view of feminism before the class.
You know what I am talking about. The view of feminism that says in order to be a feminist, you have to hate men, dresses, high heels, make up and razors (because feminists refuse to shave, of course).
That is not feminism at all. A feminist is just someone who fights for equal rights for women. Pretty basic, right? Many people, regardless of their gender, want women to have the same rights as men. Feminists have notably fought for the right to vote and job equality. The new push I am behind? The right to choose to not have children.
Traditionally, if somebody put a ring on your finger, you better put a baby in his arms. If you were married with no children, there was something seriously wrong with you.
Third wave feminism fights for women in terms of the right to choose not to be a mommy. Whether you would rather strive for your career than have little ones, feel like you could not be finically or emotionally responsible for a child or simply don't want to have kids, that's your choice. Women are capable of being more than mothers and desire to have different opportunities in their life if they want to.
This idea is commonly discussed in a scholarly sense, but in my view of an everyday life, it still is not accepted. Yes, someone might say in a crowd, "Women don't have to be moms if they don't want to be," but does that person really think that in their personal life? What I have found is that no, most people do not have such an open and embracing view of the conversation.
Many people will tell me something along the lines of "Oh, this is just a phase" when I say I am not interested in motherhood. Others actually get frustrated with me when I announce I do not want to follow the typical female path. People wonder why I will even have a point to life if I don't have a child to live vicariously though. I have even been asked why I would bother getting married if I wasn't going to have children.
My favorite, however, is when people make "bets" about my future children. I cannot even count the number of times someone has said something to me like "I bet you will have your first kid by 26" or "I bet you will have three kids under the age of five." Seriously? You want to make hypothetical bets that mean nothing in regards to my reproductive system?
I know they are simple jokes and jabs, but they get at something bigger. Regardless of what gender studies scholars, well known feminists and other women say in a professional atmosphere, that conversation does not translate well to a social circle At least not in the experiences I have had.
People are still so confused by why I would not want to be a mom that they simply crack a joke or make a bet to smooth over the discomfort and maintain their viewpoint about what women are supposed to do. Even in 2012, those rigid roles are ever present.
Now, I am not saying I will never have children. Clearly, I have no way of knowing that I would not ever have a child. Also, as I grow older and more secure in my adulthood, I might decide that having mini-mes running around would be fun. All of that is up in the air right now.
Whatever choice I make, however, whether it be no children, giving birth to children, adopting children or following some other path is really only the concern of my partner.
I might not choose the path of womanhood that you approve of, but as long as I am choosing the path of womanhood that I am comfortable with, I will do all right.
