I felt like my last column should be about blowjobs because I suck at writing, I suck at sex and I suck at writing about sex.
I’ve never given a blowjob. Most of the men I’ve dated haven't asked for one or been nice enough to deserve to be my first. Also, the thought of giving one has always frightened me. I feared I would do it wrong, or I’d gag or throw up, or that he’d laugh at me.... What if I bite him? And I never liked thinking about what I’m supposed to do once he ejaculates.
Would I choke and end up swallowing, or would I have enough time to spit it out? But what if we’re on a bed, not near something into which I can easily spit? No. I spent years preferring not to think about blowjobs and turning down the few men who did ask if I’d try it with them.
With my most recent ex, I felt like I could finally be brave enough. I felt that I was finally comfortable with and close enough to someone so that I could take the step and embarrass myself with performing oral sex for the first time.
We broke up before I could tell him I wanted to try. But then I realized that I never took the time to really look up what it was all about, anyway.
Most of my experience comes from watching movies where we either only see the woman’s or man’s head at the bottom of the shot (like in the movie “Milk”) or moving under a blanket (like at the end of the movie “Alpha Dog”).
In the movie “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” from 1982, there’s a scene where a female is showing another how to give a blowjob using a carrot as an example. They’re doing this in the crowded cafeteria at lunch, so of course a table of boys is watching and they cheer for her when she gets it right. The friend gives several tips. “Relax your throat muscles, don't bite.” The friend exclaims when the other girl’s teeth are dangerously close to the carrot. “Slide it in.” She continues. “Slowly. In and out.”
It’s some decent advice, but it doesn’t help much on the not biting or not gagging part. Are there some tricks to keeping your jaw wide enough to not chomp down but narrow enough to give pleasure? How does one give a proper, pleasurable blow job?
I looked it up. Don’t knock me on that. If you don’t know the answer to something, the first place you’re going to go for answers is the Internet. Not your doctor, not your mom and not your best friends. And the Internet is the easiest thing to give credit to, so as not to plagiarize.
But hey, if you want to ask your lady doctor, “How do I give a radical blow job?” or “What do you recommend concerning this new sex position I want to try?” or “Is it okay to have sex on my period?” then be my guest. I’m not about to do that. I’m an introvert, so I rely on my good friend Google. (You should meet him; he’s pretty awesome. He always finishes my sandwiches.)
I found two articles online that I will be referencing concerning the advice I received about giving a proper blowjob. Anna Davies from redbookmag.com agrees with Phoenix Askani about lubrication – you got to have it. Whether it’s drinking enough water and providing enough saliva or actually using a safe, nontoxic, flavored lube is up to you. Just make sure you use something. Just like you don’t want to be dry during vaginal and anal sex, you don’t want to be dry during oral sex.
Davies and Askani also agree that a little eye contact is key. If you don’t look up at him at least once, he might feel like you’re ashamed of him. Personally, I want to add that you watching him get turned on could help you figure out what you’re doing right.
Use your hands. Davies suggests a little hand action before you start using your mouth and Askani recommends playing some more when your mouth needs a break. You don’t have to, though, if you both truly need to rest from the action for a bit. You can also use your hands to fondle him.
Davies advises to “take it an inch at a time.” Don’t shove it all in there and go straight for deep-throating – especially when you know your gag reflex is sensitive. Start with just below the head, letting your lips touch him, and then progress from there. Also in this section of her article, she says to communicate with your partner. Let him know if you don’t want his hand holding your head down or if you don’t want him thrusting too much. Tell him if you want to take control and do it at your own pace.
The first and foremost piece of advice for your first time doing it or your first time with a new partner, however, is to make sure you are comfortable doing it and that he’s comfortable letting you try and doesn’t hate you for any mistakes.
Sex is supposed to be intimate and fun. You guys can laugh at funny noises and if you accidentally scrape him a few times with your teeth. Don’t let it get so serious that he reprimands you for not doing it right. That would turn me right off and I’d probably smack him and never forgive his rudeness. Like, “Excuse me, I’ve never done this before. Practice makes perfect.”
But you don’t have to listen to me. Like I said earlier, I have never given a blowjob. I haven’t even practiced on a carrot or a banana. So suck it.
