There is an abomination that plagues America, an unspeakable act that destroys the very social structure we have based America on, and that our forefathers fought to maintain. Leviticus has damned this act, yet millions of Americans still bumble their way down a path of hot coals into Satan’s clutches. It has been condemned in Leviticus 11:9- 12 and Deuteronomy 14:9-10, and yet people still indulge in this sick
nature.
Eating shrimp will destroy America.
God proclaims that, “Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you” (Lev 11:12). God proclaimed it as an “a-bomb-nation” an act so horrid, it will render our very political foundation asunder; a tragedy far worse than any tsunami, volcanic explosion or Michael Bay movie.
“When I’m walking through city center with my kid,” a concerned mother voiced to us, “I would occasionally see a couple sitting down splitting a shrimp cocktail. I covered his eyes because I don’t want my child of seven to be seeing that. How am I supposed to explain to him what’s going on? What that couple is doing? It goes against everything natural.”
Mother’s aren’t the only ones concerned about this grotesque practice in America, psychologist and Focus on The Family founder, James Dobson, comments that “it might look tasty, a temptingly luscious delicacy but what people don’t understand is that shrimp is a gateway meat to other horrible dietary choices. If right wings don’t stamp down this shrimp plague right now, our God given nation could be dieting on cuttlefish by the end of the decade!”
However, a young Timothy Smith, parented by two shrimp lovers, begs to differ about the shrimp epidemic:
“I was raised by parents who love shrimp, shellfish, and even calamari. I’m currently an Eagle Scout student with a 4.0 GPA in William and Mary, and I’m positive that all the right wing conservatives would be proud to have me as a son. Shrimp has in no way sabotaged me of my academic, intellectual, and dietary potentials. I’m a regular church goer, and a firm believer in Christ, as a matter of fact, I’m sure he probably had his own nibbling of shrimp before.”
A younger Baptist pastor from Alabama proclaims that “you can’t fix this sin by hating the sinners. This is a disease, and like every disease, it can be fixed. But if you shoo shrimp eaters out from the churches door, you can never cure them. God wants us to hate the sin, not the sinners. They need proper psychological and spiritual treatment, not bigoted hate.”
The Westborough Baptist Church, however, feels a little more harshly about the situation:
“They think God has infinite mercy that he can never get mad. Go ahead and ask a Sodomite if that’s the case. God gets pissed, and when he does, he’ll scream with earthquakes and fiery hail until our way have been amended. Honestly, I say that if these people wanna eat like fish, toss em in the water with eighty pound weights strapped to their ankles. They can gorge on as much shrimp and crab as they want from the bottom of the ocean...until, you know, they die.”
