Salutations friends,
It is I, George Washington, your humble first president. I would like to offer my congratulations on all you have accomplished these many years. I am particularly fond of indoor plumbing and central heating. You have done well expanding the nation westward and exploring the stars, being the first nation to walk on the moon. I couldn’t be more proud. Alas, I have not written to you this day to compliment your accomplishments. It has been brought to my attention during a Dead Presidents' Society meeting that you are having some troubles.
I shall offer you my advice on such matters.
To begin, your many problems with foreign nations could have been easily avoided if you had taken heed to my warnings. I distinctly remember telling you in my farewell address to remain isolated. If you had just listened to me, many wars could have been avoided. Looking at you, Vietnam. Why get involved, really? I understand the humanity of it all, but why waste so many lives? Was it worth it? I’d argue not.
Not only would isolationism save lives, it would have saved jobs! I hear you have an unemployment problem. Just think how many jobs would have been available if you’d only listened. Ronald Reagan just mentioned to me that North Korea is isolated, however I believe America could be better than North Korea. America’s trade can still be controlled by private owners, whereas North Korea’s trade is controlled by the state. It is possible to be both a capitalist country and an isolated one. All I’m saying is that you could still consider it.
Now it’s time to address the more urgent matters you’re facing: this clown show of a presidential campaign. There are two scoundrels running for president. On one hand, we have a criminal who, if she were anyone else, would be in prison. Now, I don’t remember women being able to vote, let alone run for president. However, my wife has pointed out that she practically ran the country at times. And don’t even get me started on the other candidate… Too late. I’ve started. He is the most ridiculous man to ever walk the face of the earth, and I know John Addams. That man was a pill. The only thing more shocking than the things that spill out of his mouth is that fact that people actually support him. Appalling.
All of this could have been avoided if you had only listened to me when I had warned you about the dangers of political parties. I propose you get rid of them immediately. I’m positive it would solve many of the problems facing the country today.
And so I leave you with this food for thought: You should have taken my advice.
Yours truly,
George Washington
An open letter from the first president.
