Dear Shentel Wi-Fi,
You’re probably wondering why I am writing this to you. Well, I would like to tell you the story of how I ended up in Russia, selling fruit on the side of the road. A tragic tale full of pain and suffering; and it’s all your fault.
I used to be a mildly successful student. I turned my work in on time, made A's and B's, and even tutored other students in math. But that was before I met you. When I started college, I didn’t pay attention to you. You were something I was aware of, but didn’t feel the need to address in any way.
Classes began, and the first week was a success. I wasn’t given too much homework and what I did have, I felt I could do on the weekends. That was when it all went wrong.
I realized you weren’t always around. Sometimes you dipped out for hours. So, when I sat down at nine o’clock at night to write my first college essay, you can imagine my displeasure when I realize you are nowhere to be found, and I had to submit my essay by midnight.
Do you understand the position that puts me in?
A bad one, a very bad position. You were in and out all night, and you were definitely not in at midnight. Needless to say, I didn’t receive a good grade on the essay.
That was only the beginning of my problems with you.
Sometimes you would move slower than a herd of snails traveling through peanut butter when I was in the middle of binge watching Stranger Things. Sometimes you would, once again, disappear completely when I needed to do my online math homework.
Not only were you personally aiming your vicious absences on me, you would get your friends to help you, too. I gave up on doing homework in my dorm by the second week of school, and I moved to the library where LancerNet reigned supreme. You can understand my surprise when LancerNet was also missing. Don’t even try to tell me it was my computer, because I used the school’s computers, my friend’s computer, I even tried using my phone. All to no avail.
You did this.
You knew where I was and stopped any internet from reaching me.
Eventually, I failed all my classes and dropped out of school. My parents disowned me for wasting their money on a school I had to leave. I tried different schools, but everywhere I went, there you were, stalking me and reminding me of my failure. I flunked out of three more schools before I was blackballed. No one would take me, all because of you. I couldn’t get a job because I could never connect to the Wi-Fi long enough to submit an application. Jobs with written applications seemed to sense my failure and refused to hire me. I reeked of defeat. I soon became renowned across the country for my total and utter lack of purpose.
Soon I was summoned to Washington, D.C. to speak with the president. He told me I was a disgrace to the American name and was being deported. Before I knew it, I was on an airplane across the Atlantic. Every country I went to kicked me out sooner or later for fear I might spread my disgrace to others. I felt the weight of your punishment on me. I was Cain, cut off from all of humanity, and you were God, refusing to end my suffering.
Somehow I made my way to Russia, the only place where no one would care about my past failures as I shiver in the howling wind and my fruit begins to frost over. There I remain to this day. You ruined my life. Thanks for nothing Shentel.
