Q1: “How come Farmville has so many sirens for such a small town?”
That’s a great question! Most would think that the reason for this would be that due to the annual influx of people between the ages of 18-22, who are still trying to figure out how to be on their own, there are more sirens as police respond to their shenanigans and things like accidental kitchen fires. However, that’s not the case at all!
It’s actually due to Farmville’s older population, especially during the day. Of course, at times the sirens are due to legitimate accidents or the like, but most of the time, elderly Farmvillians are partying it up from dawn to dusk.
I interviewed an anonymous citizen who explained to me that as he and his other middle-aged friends get up around four in the morning, by seven they are ready to “go wild” all day long. He said his favorite activity was to sit in his rocking porch in the nude, drink chocolate milk and shout at the collegiate whipper-snappers who pass his lawn on their way to and from classes.
So, the police sirens are often in response to this. Then, once the older population goes to bed around eight, the sirens after that are from the college students’ parties. The Farmville PD never gets a break. Respect.
Q2: "I have a girlfriend who lives about three hours away, but I am a local music hero, sexy guitar player with women all over me. How do I stay faithful to my lady?"
Hello, Sexy Guitar Player. First of all, I appreciate your conundrum because I can relate to this problem. Of course, I don’t play guitar, and I rarely find myself with women all over me (and when I do it’s because I suggested that their Halloween costumes are boring and furry-esque). But I know what it’s like to have a problem you don’t know how to solve.
In your situation, there’s really only one logical solution. The only way to continue your music hero status, keep your lady and stay faithful is to deter the other women from being all over you. Naturally, you can’t help that you’re sexy or a local music hero, but you can control how you smell.
You need to start using pickle juice as cologne. At first, it will seem gross, but you will grow accustomed to it. The girls around you, however, will not. Once they get a whiff of your new aroma, they will immediately back off. Then, you will be able to enjoy their appreciation of your sexiness from afar and still be able to be the music hero you were born to be.
Just remember, don’t wear pickle juice cologne when you’re around your girlfriend.
