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The Rotunda
Tuesday, May 13, 2025

IT'S QUESTION TIME

Q1: 

I'm all alone in the middle of the ocean being approached by a hunchback whale. How can I convince the whale not to eat me? 

Hello stranded stranger, 

First of all, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to send us a Facebook message detailing your dilemma. I’m sure with all the time you spend trying to dissuade the whale from eating you, it’s difficult to find a moment to communicate with sarcastic advice columnists. 

As for your predicament, it’s imperative that you know hunchback whales are extremely dangerous. Unlike their cousin the humpback whale, hunchback whales travel with their bodies constantly forming an angle, with one eye bigger than the other, and they are generally shorter due to their hunched backs. Due to this unique body shape, they have difficulty hunting, and whenever they find a stranded body in the ocean, they are sure to attack.  

The best way to avoid being eaten by a hunchback whale is to cup your hands around your mouth as if you are about to shout and make loud, low-pitched moaning sounds. If you do so successfully, the hunchback whale will be confused, thinking there is a possible mate in the nearby vicinity, and check their Tinder for any new matches. 

While the whale is occupied with surfing the treacherous waves of Tinder, use whatever clothing you may have to throw onto the whale’s bigger eye, blinding them. The whale will feel vulnerable and embarrassed after being caught dating online and swim away. Then you will be free to float unbothered and alone on the ocean for as long as you wish. It never fails. 

Q2: 

I have these two friends, and they are best friends. I ship them and want to see them get together and become the hot lovers I know they are truly meant to be. How do I get them to finally admit their true feelings for each other? 

One of the most important aspects in a romantic relationship is that the two parties have an emotional connection. Luckily in your scenario, your friends are friends with each other, and thus, have already established that emotional link. So now, all you really need to do is to get them alone with each other. 

One way to get your two friends together is to set the mood. Invite them to your house/apartment/car/cardboard box, and leave them there with some romantic ambiance. If you need help setting the mood, a good idea is to play some Marvin Gaye records really loudly with rose petals strewn around the room and light some pumpkin spice scented candles. No true college student can resist the allure of pumpkin spice.  

For a little extra garnish, you can sprinkle coupons around your apartment. The couple will be elated to find so many new ways to save, it will make them instantly bond. If you think they will be particularly reluctant to bond, you can leave student loan bills lying around as well. This will cause them emotional distress, which experts say is the quickest way to get two people to connect.  

If you follow my advice step by step, you should come home to your two friends staring lovingly into each other’s eyes, whispering the lyrics to “Let’s Get It On” while rolling in piles of rose petals and coupons. Then and only then, hot lovers they will be. 


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