Q1: “I am a Gemini, and I have a friend who is a Pisces. I can’t with this. Help.”
Hello Troubled Gemini,
I can connect with your problem as I too am friends with a Pisces, not only that, but I live with him. Unfortunately, there’s only one way to fix this.
You have to convince your Pisces friend to repent for their Piscesitude. Get them to renounce their ways of empathy and Romantic ideals. Get them to understand that wisdom and music are useless.
Then, you have to help them escape their fear and sadness. Pisces are typically found with rain clouds hovering over their head and are afraid of normal objects such as dishwashers, ovens and vacuum cleaners. You need to purge your friend of these qualities. Show them how to use those appliances. Make them sit outside in the hot sun until the rain cloud dissipates. Sun screen may be required.
The last step is to convert them to Geminism. This may be the hardest step. Most people have difficulty accepting that the way that they were born was the wrong way. First, they need to change their birthday. Explain to them that March is the worst of months and that they would much rather be a June baby. Show them the beauty of being extroverted and versatile. Although leave out the part about Geminis’ weaknesses like being nervous and indecisive. This may turn them off.
If you follow these instructions to a “T,” you may salvage your friendship. Or put too much stock into a superstitious tradition and made your friend really insecure about their birthday.
Q2: “Nobody in my dorm knows how to cook. They set off fire alarms if they even try. Please teach them.”
This situation is a lot easier to fix than it sounds. All you have to do is take the batteries out of the fire alarm and leave your friends to eat their charcoaled foods.
However, if you really want to help them (and I really want to meet my word count), here are some tips on how to be a good cook.
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Slather everything in olive oil and butter. No, not olive oil OR butter. Both. The French and Italians are both known for their cuisine. Follow in their footsteps. Make your food as greasy and fattening as possible.
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Drown your food in wine. Sauté with wine, broil in wine. Heck, just throw out the food and drink the wine. You’ll lose calories and have a permanently stained red mouth. Two for two.
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The last step to perfect food is to eat everything with a healthy dollop of wasabi. It may be difficult at first, but after a while, you’ll get used to the searing pain and constant flow of tears. Additional perks guzzling down wasabi include a complete disappearance of clogged sinuses and scratching your nose all the time like a cocaine addict.
If you need any more cooking tips, feel free to send your carrier pigeon and generous donations to The Rotunda office in the Longwood University Student Union.
