Q1: “My girlfriend is afraid of a common household condiment. How do I incorporate it into every home-cooked meal without her knowing?”
Hello, Troubled Significant Other. Thank you for airing your dirty laundry for the enjoyment of our Rotonioners. First of all, I have been in a similar position as this. I used to live with a roommate who was afraid of tomatoes, and therefore, she was terrified of ketchup.
Unlike you, I took a more subtle route. I kept ketchup packets hidden in my drawers to use against her in an argument.
If things became too heated, I’d pull out a pack of Heinz, and she’d flee like holy water on a vampire. I highly recommend this strategy. It will give you the upper-hand.
However, if you are set on putting a condiment in every meal, there are some things to take into consideration. First, all of your food is probably going to taste bad. Second, your girlfriend might do something irrational when she finds out like threatening to tell your resident assistant and moving out to get a new roommate from South Korea, or you know, something like that.
With all things considered, if you’re absolutely certain you want to incorporate condiments in your food. Just do it. YOLO. Spread it over-top of all your food. Mix it in the batter of baked goods. Heck, get rid of the food, and resort to a life of snorting condiments (I hear horseradish is a good one for this).
Alternatively, you could just stop eating the condiment.
Q2: “Hedgehogs vs. foxes. Please help settle the disagreement my friend and I are having on which is better.”
This is an interesting question. Unfortunately, I’m not supposed to go much over 500 words, so skipping all the philosophy mumbo jumbo about how people experience the world as either hedgies or foxes (although it’s a fun topic on Le Google), I’d have to choose foxes. Here’s why.
- The Jimi Hendrix song called, “Foxey Lady.” The lady is a fox. The song is cool. It’s inspirational. Without foxes, we would not have this masterpiece to turn back to.
- The Cure’s cover of “Foxey Lady” with a punk rock twist.
- Cee-Lo Green’s cover of “Foxey Lady.”
- The scene in “Wayne’s World” where Garth dances to “Foxey Lady” to impress a pretty girl. Garth is adorable.
- Basically, anything to do with the Jimi Hendrix tune. Entire countries have gone to war over the lyrics, “Here I come/ I’m coming to get you/ Foxey lady.” He gives Shakespeare a run for his money with words like those. Can you imagine a world where we couldn’t pull up some Jimi on Spotify and go back to 1967? I certainly couldn’t.
Take that, Taylor Swift. I bet she likes hedgehogs. What a fool.
Snorting condiments to the sounds of Jimi Hendrix
By Cassie Tagert | Copy Editor | @TheRotonion
